By Ruven Ortiz
It’s another cloudy day in Kansas City. Its days like this that my mind struggles toward happiness. We all have those days. I begin to feel sorry for myself.
Poor Ruven. Poor Bastard.
My back hurts. I don’t feel like working out. The garage is a damn mess. The kids screamed at me today. Am I a bad parent?
I go to the gym. My sadness doesn’t allow focus. I recall how earlier in the day we were at the pool. It’s me, my wife and our three girls. Isabella is two years old. She’s drifting farther towards the deeper end of the pool. Isabella doesn’t realize that the opposite direction is the shallow end and she is headed for deeper water. She inches deeper. So, I’m remembering this scenario while I am at the gym. First her shoulders, then her neck, her chin. I am right behind her. She begins to panic and go under for a second. I reached around her hips and pull her to the surface. I turn her around to face me.
Her eyes were wide with fear. She was terrified. I could see the flesh over the bones in her face so clearly. We are all so damn fragile. It broke my heart to see her in such a state. Reality is a motherfucker! One moment you’re a kid safe and sound. Nothing can hurt you. Momma and Daddy are there to keep you safe. And then the water you love so much is trying to stifle the life from you.
“You’re okay, I got you. Daddy is here.”
I snap out of my recollection. I’m back at the damn gym. Wow, now that I’ve remembered my daughters near drowning episode, life’s really great! I recall more shit to make me even sadder. I forgot to walk the dog. I scolded my other 4 year old daughter Naomi. It’s a downward, pitiful, whiny spiral.
Poor Ruven. Poor bastard.
I’m really reveling in it now.
It is at that moment that I see her. Her face is badly scarred. Her neck and chest are also very badly scarred. She has one arm as the left is missing from the elbow on. She is obviously the survivor of some serious burn. She is in full workout gear and she is exercising. The lesson is jarring. What the fuck was I bitching about? Here is this woman with way more obstacles than myself and yet she is here doing what she is supposed to do. She is immersed in the struggle of life.
I go to the restroom and plash water on my face. I look in the mirror. What the fuck? I walk out of the bathroom and there she is. We make eye contact. She smiles at me in the most sincere way. I smile back. I feel the weight of the day fall from my shoulders. It was a beautiful smile. I walk back to the squat rack. I don’t have shit to be sad about now.
I start to contemplate a deeper more uncomfortable truth. Life in the barrio wasn’t that bad. Its not as bad as we make it. Take that as you will. It is a harsh truth but the message isnt for everyone. Maybe its bad for you or someone you know. I was raised in what I considered a barrio in Roswell NM. Gangs and drugs were prevalent. I often romanticize my ascent from the streets to the suburbs. But I face a new realization. The problems of the hood are easy. Jesus, what am I saying? Wasn’t it a series of luck? It was trials upon trials of tribulations. I worked hard to save for a car. I went to jail many times. I willed my way to and through college. I had to avoid death and prison. Yet here is this gnawing feeling at my core that it wasn’t that bad. It could have been 100 times worse. Was it Juarez? Was I born on the streets without a family? Am I working out here with one fucking arm and scars over my face? Would I have the strength to still smile so beautifully at a complete stranger?
The opportunities are here. This isn’t a speech from some fucking asshole millionaire telling you to pull yourself up by the bootstraps! This is from a vato they used to call Loco. I have a nine millimeter bullet wound in my chest and some of the saddest recollections of wasted young lives to last me two lifetimes. I’m here saying that it’s not that bad. It’s only as difficult as we make it.
Comedian Joey Diaz has a weekly podcast called “The Church of What’s happening Now”. He had fellow comedian Felipe Esparza on as a guest. On the podcast Esparza recounts a story of a classmate who was a Crip (gang member). Esparza was discussing how some teachers had positively impacted his life. He mentions one teacher in particular who was kind to him. He really liked this teacher. This teacher recognized a classmate who was a Crip (gangster). He felt the need to help this kid who was clearly lost. The teacher offered the young Crip the opportunity to stay with him and his family over the summer.
The young Crip shared a thought with Esparza, “Hey, teacher wants me stay with him this summer. We should rob his ass. Lets just jack his ass.”
Esparza makes an awesome point about the young Crip: “Where is that kid now? Perhaps he is in prison? Wherever he is, he can never say that no one cared. He may not remember that moment when a highschool teacher reached out to him but the opportunity was there and it was real.”
It was he who chose to follow a different path. He chose between abundance/happiness and poverty/destruction. Which will we choose today?
Whoever you are and whatever your situation is, I have a central message. Enjoy the struggle. It’s not in the finish but it in the journey.
“Put your foot in my Nikes Picture you livin’ my life, Picture you stuck in a cell, Picture you wasting your life, Picture you facing a charge, Picture you beating the odds, Picture you willing to bleed, Picture you wearing the scar Thank you for making me struggle, Thank you for making me grind,” – Mano, All of the Above
It’s another cloudy day in Kansas City.
Rich Ruven. Rich Bastard.
A very rich reminder for us all! Thanks for sharing your thoughts! I appreciate the fact that you are Rich Ruven the Poor Bastard, your are a blessed man, I am happy to have met you!
“Enjoy the struggle”, I will keep that in the back of my mind my friend!
Cheers!
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Right on Brother!
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